How long will I walk in the wilderness?
Forty ‘somethings’? (Years, months..?)
When did it begin? When will it end?
Certainly until I am ready, until I am prepared.
For what? A ministry. In what? Yet to be fully revealed. When will it be revealed? Perhaps a ‘burning bush’ moment… When God will reveal more of His specific plan for me & call me out of my wilderness.
Until that time. I wait, walk, seek and follow.
As I explore my wilderness, I thought I’d better check out some definitions:
1. a wild and uncultivated region, as of forest or desert, uninhabited or inhabited only by wild animals; a tract of wasteland.
3. any desolate tract, as of open sea.
5. a bewildering mass or collection.
Includes the following definitions:
“…those last truly wild places that humans do not control…”
“The word wilderness derives from the notion of “wildness”—in other words, that which is not controllable by humans.”
For me it is indeed a, “bewildering,” place. Knowing that it is not only not controlled by humans but also, “not controllable,” makes it that much more important to have a guide…
Discovering I’m in a wilderness has been like having my eyes opened. I’m not just looking at what it contains, but I’m beginning to see things for what they are.
Having this perspective helpfully re-aligns my expectations & means that I’m not looking for the same things I was. To go with the analogy of a natural wilderness, instead of expecting to see green fields and lush vegetation to feed on, I’m looking under rocks for water & bugs! Which I’ll be happy if I find!!
This goes much deeper than the country’s current economic circumstances, I’m aware that my wilderness time is more spiritual & pervades many areas of my life.
But I wander around now, a little better prepared; I’m looking for different things & in a different way – I don’t know what I’ll find, I’ve just got to keep following God, seeking Him for direction & provision.
And who knows. Maybe I’ll even find a burning bush!
This may turn out to be part one in a series – but here goes…
I’ve just found out I’m in a wilderness in my life. Which explains a lot of things, like why I’m feeling so lost in some areas, lacking in direction, sustenance. It helps me understand why this season feels so hard, fruitless and like its a gruelling trial with no end in sight.
This evening I was able to attend Burn, an expression of our church community where there is no format, only the intention to seek God; praying and worshipping to see where His Spirit will lead us.
As part of my process of giving control of my life back to God, I went forward for prayer. I felt that God had placed a number of things on my heart to deal with; to forgive myself for regretting 10+ years of life that I think I wasted, to ask for help with patience and to receive God’s Spirit, to refresh me. While praying, one of the leaders came and said that he felt God saying that I am in a wilderness (which one of my colleagues had suggested a few weeks ago…), to learn, be trialled, tested, shaped, prepared – and at some point I’ll be called out, back to serve in a particular way, for a particular purpose. For what? I don’t yet know, perhaps glimpses i’ve seen, but for now…
… For now I have found myself in a wilderness. I have to learn how to navigate it; what to do next…